Let's try Love again

Ruminations on life, love, heartbreaks, and on being a foolish dreamer

Archive for the tag “Love”

Men who turn me on and other obsessions – Part 1

From time to time I go through phases of obsession with certain personalities. Mostly these are celebrities from Bollywood (I actually have begun to hate that word, and prefer to call it the Hindi Film Industry) or popular public figures. Sachin  Tendulkar, Lata Mangeshkar, Adele, Kishori Amonkar, Barack Obama, Ranveer Singh… not necessarily in that order of chronology or amount of obsession.

As a child I was mostly obsessed with Shahrukh Khan. Looking back I gather it was mainly triggered by my mom’s approval for Shahrukh’s “innocent eyes” in one of his very earlier movies Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman. I now understand where my search for those “innocent eyes” in every man comes from. I measure character from the eyes, and I personally think I look for innocence and sincerity in all eyes.

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Actor Shahrukh Khan in a still from Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman

I am not sure If I have that innocence in my own eyes. I may have had it and lost it. It may have been replaced by cynicism and doubt, who knows. But those early impressions that our parents’ likes and dislikes have on us shape our psyche and subconscious behavioral patterns to a great extent. I only understand this now. No matter how much you might be distant from your parents or say that you are not like them, there is always some of your parents and grandparents in you.

As you grow older, though, the human qualities that trigger that sense of awe in you changes. My mind has to get turned on before my body or hormones can be. I often surprise myself when I like someone I never thought I would. And then I find myself obsessively watching that personality’s youtube videos, going through instagram feeds and just finding ways to get to know them more. Something about them strikes a chord. Shahrukh was my heartthrob 20 years ago. In many ways he still is, but of late I have had a growing obsession for men like director Imtiaz Ali.

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Imtiaz Ali

Men with an artistic bent of mind who are willing to go off the beaten path. Men who are a part of the society yet are wanderers in their soul. They are searching for answers to questions that keep unfolding as their journey unfolds.  I find myself liking men who like to approach things with a certain depth. Depth of mind, character and soul. They are not satisfied with the superficial success that comes with the comfortable status quo. They know exactly what they want, what they are good at, and are unapologetic about their flaws. They do what their passion tells them to, and they want to do it their way even if it means being called crazy, or by the more creative lot, “sufi”.

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In a still from the making of the film Highway, with actress Aalia Bhatt

These men are clairvoyant about people and their energies. They don’t have time for society parties and gossip. They are not on the surface. They are observers, not doers. They are narraters and story-tellers, not talkers. They have a great taste in music, and appreciate the silences. They have a hunger to understand complex emotions and the human psyche. They may be social misfits, but always creative geniuses. Imtiaz Ali is all this, with oodles of charm. In many ways, he seems like he is seeking what I am seeking, and he makes sense to me. He turns me on.

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Should you?

Should you be with someone you want or with someone who wants you?

Reminiscing

I remember the time when I first heard the strings

You softly showed the magic of music to me.. all those years

You shared a part of you with me

I don’t know if I became you or if you made me

Har saaz mein tera naam hoga.. teri yaad hogi.. tera khwab hoga.

I keep you with me, forever.

The train ride home

Sometimes I secretly wish. I wish he would walk into this train right now, see me and quietly sit next to me. I then tilt my head to lay it on his shoulder. He raises his hand to gently guide my head to rest safely on his shoulders.

I close my eyes as I sink into his embrace.. my forehead resting on his collar and his scent ushering me into this calming,  reassuring sleep.

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I never want this train ride to end. I never want any words exchanged between us. Only silences, and us. In each other’s presence. Just this once. Just us.

Have you ever?

before sunrise

Have you ever attended an event or a party to “make new friends”? You were your most extroverted and vibrant self, talked your best talk, walked your best walk. You’re confident, you’re meeting people, making friends, exchanging numbers. You dance, you drink, you dine that night, and all seems good. You’re content that you signed up for it, you went and made ten new friends.

Then you hop into the train to get back home and the stranger sitting next to you starts a conversation with you. And that conversation is the only thing that sticks with you for the rest of the day. That conversation is the only thing that warmed your heart that day, and in a long time. And those eyes and that voice is the only thing you want to hear the next day. That journey is the only journey you want to take tomorrow. You’re not as excited about the ten new friends you made the earlier day – who were demographically, culturally more like you. Unlike this stranger who is from another world.

Have you ever been in such a situation?

Is it your vulnerability? Is it the draw of the unknown, the mysterious? The New and Amazing? Or is it the attention you got from him that is making you feel this?

I wish I could write you a poem

When I sit on the golden sand at sunset,
and the hues to me seem colorless,
I wish I could write you a poem.

When these eyes seek the sight of yours,
yet it’s the only thing they cannot have,
I silently wish I could write you a poem.

When so much is to be said and told,
And words elude me when I need them the most,
I wish I could write you a poem.

When we don’t talk for ages,
But you hear all that is unsaid,
I wish I could write you a poem.

When your presence overwhelms my soul,
completes it, reveals it, shows things unseen,
I wish I could write you a poem.

I know this feeling reaches you even without me writing a poem,
And my words may not do justice to my love;
Even then, I still wish I could write you a poem. 

Daily Prompt: If You Leave

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Leave, if you must.. But know this

What was once yours to keep, will be a distant memory

Regret creeps on you whether you love or hate,

As faint as a fog

Yet crisp as a blade.

Leave if you must, but remember

You shall seek yourself and me, forever.

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