Let's try Love again

Ruminations on life, love, heartbreaks, and on being a foolish dreamer

Obsessions – part 2

People who know me intimately, know that I obsess. About people, about things, about music, about certain celebrities. I build up an image of something or someone in my head to such an extent that I worship certain people in my imaginary world of obsessiveness.

It behooves me to say that my latest obsession is someone the entire country has celebrated – the 44th President of the United States – Barack Obama.

Now, I have never had a keen interest in politics, and never thought I would fall for a politician. But with Obama, it is different. The reason I love him is not solely because of who he is, but mainly because of how he treats Michelle Obama. Their love story is what I truly obsess about.

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I have been in only one relationship all my life, and it was a highly toxic, emotionally manipulative relationship, where I received zero respect. Seeing the respect Barack has and shows for Michelle, makes me believe in all things good and pure.

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It gives me my benchmark, my compass. If ever I am lost or confused about someone, I will ask myself – does he respect me and adore me like Barack respects and adores Michelle?

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Whenever I am insecure in a relationship, I will remind myself of the strength and security that Michelle feels within herself. These two are truly #relationshipgoals.

Compatibility vs. Chemistry

You know he is not right for you, yet your heart still skips a beat when you bump into him. You stalk him on social media despite knowing that he is probably still dating that hot girl you saw him last with. You are well aware he is a d-bag, someone who will use the Art of Seduction and manipulation to get you to fall for him head over heels, and then crush your heart with great fanfare.

Yet, there is something about the idea of him and you that creates fireworks. You stir up emotions in each other than otherwise don’t exist. The hormones, the anxiety, the anticipation, the lust. All of it. Perfect chemistry, without long-term compatibility, Ingredients of disaster.

Chemistry is when you have those butterflies, and ecstatic emotional swings, simulating a dream-like state. Compatibility is when your lifestyle choices and values align with each other. A new-age hippie and a new york stock broker are not compatible, but they may have great chemistry. It is extremely rare to have both compatibility and chemistry with one person. What then, do you choose, and who do you choose?

Strangers with memories

What I know for sure is that nothing last forever. A smile you once thought was genuine, a wish you once made, a love you once thought was forever.

Nothing is permanent. Everything eventually drifts away, and changes. Just like the seasons.

Life is a revolving door. Nothing can stay the way it is. People come, people leave. Life begins, life ends. Love happens, and love ends. Strangers become lovers, and lovers become strangers. We are two strangers, with a lifetime of memories, pain, hurt and damaged love.

We lie to ourselves, and to each other, that we are happy with others. Deep inside we know we messed up, badly. Deep inside we know we could give anything to have it back, and keep it from going bad. Deep inside we know we were perfect. Deep inside we don’t understand why we are not together. Deep inside. That part of us which we run away from. That part which tells us we are incomplete.

The empty side of the bed laughs at me. My deep inside pities me. I hate that he is with her. I hate that he is happy. I hate it all. I hate it.

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Men who turn me on and other obsessions – Part 1

From time to time I go through phases of obsession with certain personalities. Mostly these are celebrities from Bollywood (I actually have begun to hate that word, and prefer to call it the Hindi Film Industry) or popular public figures. Sachin  Tendulkar, Lata Mangeshkar, Adele, Kishori Amonkar, Barack Obama, Ranveer Singh… not necessarily in that order of chronology or amount of obsession.

As a child I was mostly obsessed with Shahrukh Khan. Looking back I gather it was mainly triggered by my mom’s approval for Shahrukh’s “innocent eyes” in one of his very earlier movies Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman. I now understand where my search for those “innocent eyes” in every man comes from. I measure character from the eyes, and I personally think I look for innocence and sincerity in all eyes.

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Actor Shahrukh Khan in a still from Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman

I am not sure If I have that innocence in my own eyes. I may have had it and lost it. It may have been replaced by cynicism and doubt, who knows. But those early impressions that our parents’ likes and dislikes have on us shape our psyche and subconscious behavioral patterns to a great extent. I only understand this now. No matter how much you might be distant from your parents or say that you are not like them, there is always some of your parents and grandparents in you.

As you grow older, though, the human qualities that trigger that sense of awe in you changes. My mind has to get turned on before my body or hormones can be. I often surprise myself when I like someone I never thought I would. And then I find myself obsessively watching that personality’s youtube videos, going through instagram feeds and just finding ways to get to know them more. Something about them strikes a chord. Shahrukh was my heartthrob 20 years ago. In many ways he still is, but of late I have had a growing obsession for men like director Imtiaz Ali.

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Imtiaz Ali

Men with an artistic bent of mind who are willing to go off the beaten path. Men who are a part of the society yet are wanderers in their soul. They are searching for answers to questions that keep unfolding as their journey unfolds.  I find myself liking men who like to approach things with a certain depth. Depth of mind, character and soul. They are not satisfied with the superficial success that comes with the comfortable status quo. They know exactly what they want, what they are good at, and are unapologetic about their flaws. They do what their passion tells them to, and they want to do it their way even if it means being called crazy, or by the more creative lot, “sufi”.

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In a still from the making of the film Highway, with actress Aalia Bhatt

These men are clairvoyant about people and their energies. They don’t have time for society parties and gossip. They are not on the surface. They are observers, not doers. They are narraters and story-tellers, not talkers. They have a great taste in music, and appreciate the silences. They have a hunger to understand complex emotions and the human psyche. They may be social misfits, but always creative geniuses. Imtiaz Ali is all this, with oodles of charm. In many ways, he seems like he is seeking what I am seeking, and he makes sense to me. He turns me on.

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Why he lingers..

This is a great article on why some people are always with us, even though they are no longer in our lives. Our subconscious mind never leaves them, even though we do. Distance, space, time.. no matter what comes in between you two, if someone has left an imprint on you, they will linger. Until someone else comes along and makes a new, lasting imprint.

Why You Can’t Let That One Person Go, No Matter How Hard You Try

 

Should you?

Should you be with someone you want or with someone who wants you?

They’re only words..

"Viewing note book journals,
 like landscapes lost in time,

words that wove like tapestry.

Yellowed paper,
thin blue lines,
tear drops smudge the ink marks,

a life of loving you

undressed imagination

penning pages 
of someone I once knew.."

~Zephyr 
on 11/02/2015 (the last time you said you loved me)


Reminiscing

I remember the time when I first heard the strings

You softly showed the magic of music to me.. all those years

You shared a part of you with me

I don’t know if I became you or if you made me

Har saaz mein tera naam hoga.. teri yaad hogi.. tera khwab hoga.

I keep you with me, forever.

Once upon a dream..

 

Once upon a dream, your lips were one with mine. Once upon a dream, I felt your touch again.

I felt pieces of your love. Pieces of memories, and pieces of you.

Once upon a dream, I was reminded of a love that once was. Of a dream that once married reality. Once upon a dream, I felt your lips on mine. When all things were good and pure. Once upon a dream.

——————————————–

tukdon mein pyaar kiya hai maine

khwabon ke tukdo ne mujhe behkaaya hai

ab tukde jab dil ke sametein hain

tab un khwabon ke tukdon se hi dil behlaaya hai

——————————————–

I have loved him in pieces

Pieces of a dream that caressed me

Pieces of a broken heart

Pieces of a kiss, of a gaze. Linger on.

——————————————

Umre lagi kehte hue, do lafz thay ek baat thi..

Woh ek din sau saal ka, sau saal ki woh raat thi

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I miss waking up with that faint smile on my lips. That anticipation of talking (or not talking) to someone. I miss wanting to share my tantrums and my wisdom with someone. I miss being in love. I feel like I have forgotten what it feels like.

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